Relationships lie at the heart of everything

Posted on January 12, 2023

Every problem is a relationship problem so the ability to heal and improve our relationships lies at the heart of our success and happiness. Any time we are not enjoying success or happiness in an aspect of our lives, we need to look at what is going on in our significant relationships and be willing and able to change them.

At the start of the New Year when many of us are being challenged, we make this point about the importance of our relationship dynamics in our general wellbeing because with so many trials in our world today it is important that we keep an eye on our foundations.

And right now in our media we have a pattern that is very destructive to all relationships. It is such a perfect example of what not to do we just can’t resist pointing out the pitfalls. We teach that if someone in the family is failing in any way from business to health then the dynamic going on is competition. Even if people seem upset or shocked, acting as if competition is the last thing going on, that is not true. Competition is based on winning and losing so if anyone is losing then someone is winning. We compete by losing as well as by winning; it is just that losing feels a lot worse. 

The present royal saga demonstrates one of the oldest aspects of competition. When I was starting my therapeutic career we looked closely at family relationships. We used to have a saying that if a parent ever responded with physical reaction, a slap, a beating or such like from that moment the child, the victim had won. It was a win because they got the morally superior position. The dynamic is still well locked in place and loads more to follow in this very public story which has all the elements of competition. However, if we want to lead happy lives we need to become aware of competition within us and do all we can to transcend this and not get caught with the nasty game of win-lose

What heals competition is support, learning to be able to put all our energy behind the achievements and success of the people around us. Imagine if a close member of your family fails; if you are married to them that means you are going to pay for that, even if you win you will still lose. We all have that happy family picture in our minds that we deeply aspire to but it cannot include competition. Instead, we are called to mutuality, inclusion and co-operation and in our minds we need to consciously choose the success and happiness of every member of our family.

Much of our competition is subconscious. We need to become inclusive in our perception and see our success and the success of all those around us as being the same thing. 

So it would be a really worthy New Year resolution to choose to give up competition, starting by honestly looking at those around us and seeing how they are really doing. Consider the example we are all witnessing and ask, ‘would I want those dynamics with members of my team?’ Whether you feel like the winner or the loser in the relationship, take a step today to support their success and happiness energetically and wholeheartedly. 

With love,

Jeff and Sue

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