So often in our world we look out and see some situation or somebody’s actions that appear to cause emotional reactions within us. When they are very strong emotional reactions, our response typically is to go on the offensive, blaming them for our discomfort, attacking them and the horse they rode in on! This typically leads to a power struggle, a fight. And while that conflict with its large caboose of ammunition and past grievances may not be on the surface, it is never far away. Occasionally peace breaks out but only until the next perceived slight or upset and then ………….. bam!
Many couples, families and even countries get caught in this dynamic. Even when there is some willingness to overcome the fight nothing seems to work and the reason for this is simple: We are trying to change in the present what was created in the past.
When we are upset it is not about now; well maybe a maximum of 2% is about now. The rest is a replay of an event from the past, typically originating during our early years. As this event was not understood and healed at that time, it has now set up a pattern, a recurring dynamic that leads us back to the same upset. Naturally the location is different and the people are different, but the underlying dynamic, the story is the same; and when we resort to fighting and blaming then all we are doing is adding one more chapter to this old story, which will then repeat and repeat.
Naturally when we are in the throws of our deep emotions it is difficult to hear that this is not about now because it certainly does look like now, and it certainly feels to be about now, but it is not. If we maintain this attitude then we will spend our lives being run by our past, no matter how much we fight and struggle.
Many people find this concept hard to accept and resort to saying they don’t recall their childhood, or denying there were any old upsets, but they then typically live to repeat their patterns. The other aspect is we have such a low opinion of our creativity; we find it difficult to accept it was us that unconsciously engineered our lives and the people in it to actually create the very situation that we are now so upset about. So why does that happen? The main healing reason for that is to bring the dynamic to the surface again, to give us one more opportunity to heal, one more chance to transform this dynamic and give us a better shot at love and happiness.
Naturally if you insist that this upset is about now and you are right about what is going on then you will get to be dead right and then ……….. Remember that if your intention is to have a loving and happy life/marriage then everything that is not that in your mind will have to come to the surface to allow for the transformation, motivated by the insight that one cannot be both right and happy any more that you can be in love and in control. These things are opposites and we do get to choose between the two on a daily basis.
While these principles are true on a personal level in our immediate relationships, they are also true on a national level. Here in the UK we are presently experiencing the polarisation of people who are being right about their beliefs. When we accept the only true way forward is the coming together of both sides, then we can understand why maybe it will get worse before it gets better.
The solution to any power struggle is never to pick one side over the other, to decide one is right and the other wrong. That might appear to be a solution but it just buries the fight, which will resurface in the future. As you listen to the grievances of both sides and the blaming, righteous mentality one can only guess at the deep emotions of hurt, powerlessness and not being listened to. And it is not about now! It is more accurate to say all these unresolved emotions of the past have been triggered by actions in the present that we have jointly created, so maybe this time we can grow some awareness and responsibility, sidestep the grievances and head towards our personal healing in the knowledge that as each one of us heals we are not healed alone and the energy for the new beginning grows.
It is essential to our peace and success to resist the temptation to fight, to be right and polarize. Instead our peace and success depends on our ability to apply ourselves to getting past our past, and gain a better attitude to our growth and maturity, for our sake and the sake of humanity.