It is now nearly three weeks since I lost the use of my legs within an hour on an ordinary post-workshop Monday morning. In that time I have experienced the pain of back surgery and learning to walk again, progressing from wheelchair to zimmer frame to crutches to walking stick. I have had plenty of time to think.
As in most instances like this I felt it ‘just happened’; it came with no warning and blindsided me. But after some musing it became clear it was really an old injury and it had been affecting me in many ways: pain in my ankle, loss of power and movement in my right leg. I had even been told it was an old injury but because I could not remember I had dismissed those voices. Now finally it had my attention! And it is always the old wounds that get you!
In my processing of it, among many other insights I traced the pattern back to a previously hidden worship of the idol of sabotage. Now I can see a lifelong pattern of sabotaging every venture and every relationship basically to hide a mastery level gift of fineness, to hide the level of sensitivity I have to energy and what is going on at a deep level with the world around me. To hide this sensitivity I had built this hard luck story, this tough life, about how things go wrong and how strong I had to be to deal with it. But in truth the sabotage was all my fear of embracing my next step and the gifts that come with it.
It has been an awakening and I pray that yours are easier than mine has been. As I head out to China in a new frame of mind and body, I would like to thank all those that have sent messages of support and love.
Jeff and Sue xx